Darren and I were renting a house when we first separated. We had only been living in this city for a year and we were getting to know the different neighbourhoods before deciding where we’d like to raise our children. After having moved nearly a dozen times in my life, I was looking forward to settling down and establishing some roots. What I wasn't looking forward to was settling into a life of feeling stuck in an unhappy relationship.
Despite the conflict brewing within me, I went along with our plans to buy a house right up to the time I ended our relationship. I don’t fully understand why I did that, knowing that our relationship was still on very rocky grounds after our short separation earlier in the year. I knew I felt that owning a house would help provide some stability for our children, regardless of how things would turn out between Darren and me. Plus, a part of me was also still holding onto the dream of a happy family. It didn't help that Darren was really pushing for a house, doing his best to convince me of the urgency to buy one. Looking back, I know that looking for a house together was a mistake. I regret doing that as it misled Darren into thinking our relationship was more stable than it really was. Luckily, we didn't end up buying one. I can see now how owning a house would have complicated our situation further.
When I ended our relationship, Darren’s immediate response was to kick me out of our house. He was furious and hostile. It was a shock to me because I was raising our two girls at home while Darren worked out of town for ten days at a time. I didn't understand why he'd expect me to leave, considering he was rarely home and the kids would continue be with me most of the time. In his words, "You're the one leaving the relationship, so YOU leave the home." I was scared. I consulted a lawyer and learned that legally, I didn't have to leave and there could issues with custody if I did. But being in the same house became unbearable and I didn't want our girls to witness the conflict between us. So for several weeks, when Darren came home from his shifts, I would leave our house and stay with a friend or in hotels. It was a very rough period and I hated not knowing where I'd be sleeping next. Sometimes my girls would be with me, other times they’d be with Darren. I knew he loved them to pieces but he wasn't accustomed to managing both of them at once. I worried so much about how they were managing while he was absorbing the shock of our break-up. These nights were the first I had ever spent away from my two girls and it was excruciating. I didn't know how they were feeling or what they were doing. I was certain they were crying for me and I wondered how he was comforting them or what he was saying. Helpless and with nothing else I could do, I halfheartedly looked for a new place to live.
Then one day, Darren had a sudden change of heart. He told me he was buying a house nearby and that I could stay in the rental. I was so relieved not to be uprooting my children and scrambling for a new place to live. I agreed to pay Darren some money so that he would take only his personal possessions and furnish his new home from scratch. This way we would avoid dividing up household items and the girls wouldn't see things disappear around them. This was our first big step of separation. Darren’s decision to purchase his own house was surprising and impulsive, but at the time, I felt it was the best way to go in our situation.
In May, I will move into a new home. My home. No more renting, no more moving. I can’t wait create a real, stable home for myself and my girls. I look forward to starting from scratch and doing simple things like putting up pictures, something I hadn't done in years. I want to create a cozy, personal home that my girls will love just as much as me. The house is located walking distance from Darren, in a wonderful, family oriented community. Although our girls will have two homes, it is my hope that they’ll grow up here in just one neighbourhood, in one school and with one set of friends that they can see anytime. When they're older, they could walk back and fourth between houses. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but the idea that we can mitigate a lot of the stresses of co-parenting, simply by living close by, is giving me more hope for a happy future for our girls. A lot can and will happen in the next few years, but as far as living arrangements go, I think we’re off to a good start.
