This is exactly what has been happening with me over the past several weeks. At times, the anxiety has crippled me. Rather than be productive in rebuilding my life and moving on, I have been feeling like I couldn't move one way or another. All I could do was think. And think. And think. Did I make the right decision? Should I go back for the sake of my children, even if it means being unhappy and unfulfilled in my relationship? Do I trust Darren’s intentions? How much can two people really change? How will my children suffer from this over the long-run? When they're older, will they resent me for this decision? Will I ever be able to retire?
These are questions that have gone through my mind a million times. Had Darren remained the “same” as he was over the course of our relationship, I wouldn't have second-guessed things nearly as often. But he has changed for the better. A softer, kinder side to him is emerging. He's actively listening to what I'm saying, asking questions and encouraging discussion. Showing respect. This change, plus his persistence over the past few months, has caused this doubt in me to resurface.
Darren is convinced our relationship won’t ever go back to what it was in the past. If we stay together as a family, he sees a bright, loving, happy future together – for us and our children. He will do whatever it takes to make me happy, to make our relationship work. But if we continue down the path of separation, then Darren illustrates a horrible future of loss and limitations for our children and for us as co-parents. Our girls will be average, not exceptional, because we won't be able to provide them with the support and opportunities that in-tact families with two incomes can afford. They will feel like packages, being sent back and fourth from his house to mine. They'll be unhappy and emotionally dysfunctional because of this lack of stability. This picture is ultimately what sends my brain into overdrive, triggers my anxiety, and pushes me to the brink of surrender. But then I stop. I breath. And I think again. Beneath all of his new behaviour – the compliments, the flowers, the focused attention on my words, restraint in his reactions when we talk – I can see now that he is still implementing his usual tactics to gain control of me and our situation: persuasion, criticism, and guilt.
Two things keep holding me back from returning to Darren: gut instinct and desire. My gut tells me that most of the detrimental behaviour we both exhibited still exists within us and would resurface if we stayed together. Even when I talk to him now, I still find myself falling into my old patterns – putting his needs before mine, submitting to his views, feeling incompetent, having self-doubt. Only time and distance from Darren will help me rebuild my confidence and learn how to function in a healthy relationship. As for desire, I simply no longer want to be with Darren, to share the intimate parts of my body and mind with him. I want to save myself for that someone who will truly appreciate my body and respect my mind.
Despite how much our separation will uproot our lives, impact us financially, and change the picture of family for our children forever, being a single is the more desirable path. My children will benefit from a confident, happy mom who can still show them love, compassion, strength, and perseverance. I can’t take the risk of reliving the hurt and the repression I felt my relationship, and more importantly, I won't risk putting my children through another horrible separation.
Those in my support circle have been pointing out Darren's behaviour for quite some time, yet in true form, I have been defending his position and putting the blame on myself instead. And as I watch my savings dwindle, I have been allowing Darren to drag out our separation for six moths without providing any financial support for the girls or agreeing to proceed with the other formalities. We have been living week by week, in limbo, neither of us able to really move forward.
This week, I finally reached my limit. Something within me snapped. It's like a cloud has lifted and I see things more clearly now. I am finally ready to let go of the guilt and uncertainty and focus on the positives and the opportunities. I am letting go of feeling like a failure for not being able to handle this on my own, and I'm willingly accepting the love and support my friends and family are offering. I know I can still provide a loving, happy upbringing for my children – they won't be ruined because of this. I know that I will work things out financially in the long run, too. I'm smart, educated, and had a successful career. I am ready to take control, to start over, and build a good life for my girls and me.
And so begins the next phase of separation: establishing a parenting plan, child custody, and child support. This is not going to be easy. I don’t expect Darren to be a willing participant in these discussions, but I’m hoping for the best. I’ll do everything in my power to keep things respectful and fair, in the hopes we can build a strong relationship as co-parents and make decisions together that are in the best interest of our sweet, little girls. I hope Darren will do the same.
