Looking Back

Leading up to my decision to separate, I thought I fully understood why my relationship with Darren had failed. But there was so much that went unspoken between him and me that I really didn't see the full picture. It wasn't until after our break-up that the full details emerged. Darren and I have since engaged in countless hours of discussions over the phone, in person, and through counselling – all to help him better understand what brought us to this point. At first, the reasons were obvious to me. But over time I have also learned that things weren't so simple.

The big decision

In my relationship with Darren, there was no adultery. There was no physical abuse, addiction, workaholism, or even a case of a spouse who sat on the couch all day and refused to contribute to the household or help with the kids. Darren was even open to counselling. So why on earth would I leave the father of my children and break up my family?

It took me two years to come to this decision but the seed was planted well before then – possibly even since the beginning of our relationship. It was by far the most stressful and emotionally painful decision of my life because I knew that my sweet, innocent children’s lives would forever be changed and they’d never again experience a “normal” family life. The thoughts of parenting schedules and many missed moments made me nauseous, especially when thinking from my children’s perspectives. For that reason, I wavered… and wavered… and wavered.

I thought about being out of my relationship nearly every day and dreamt of being with someone who made me feel loved, understood, and appreciated. Often I would just dream of being a single mom, trading my relationship stressors for financial stressors, but still feeling happier and free to be me. But in the next moment I would question my competence and whether I was crazy for wanting to give up what I had (and would continue to have) – a spouse who was committed to the family unit, a nice home in a good neighbourhood, financial stability, the freedom to be a stay-at-home mom, and the many other advantages of being part of an intact family. I struggled over choosing what I thought was best for me versus what was best for my children. Book after book warned me to suck it up; that the impact of splitting up would cause my kids to have permanent attachment issues and they’d likely experience divorce as adults themselves. Meanwhile, my closest confidantes posed another perspective: staying in the relationship would also impact my children as they’d grow up with a depressed mother and an emotionally distant father; they’d have a front-row view of a dysfunctional relationship. Would that be any better? Improving my relationship with Darren was no longer an option – Darren wouldn't budge and I had tried (and failed) to change myself for him so many times; I simply lost the desire to try again. So I felt trapped in a no-win situation; regardless of the decision I made, someone in my family would suffer for a very long time.

A look at the issues

I remained unsatisfied in my relationship for several years because I hoped that one day, Darren would relax his view of our relationship and finally accept me for me. Then we could build a happy life together. I also thought I could become that person he wanted me to be, because that person seemed to be much stronger and more desirable than the person I was (and still am). I believed in this idea enough to plan a future and have two children with Darren. I didn't think we’d ever have a fairy-tale marriage, full of love and romance – that dream had long since expired. My expectations were much simpler. I just wanted a stable, functional relationship based on mutual respect. With a strong foundation in place, I knew I could handle the ups and downs that any relationship can experience. I was even prepared to forego ever experiencing passion and desire or a deep sense of love and connection – things the two of us never really shared together.

So I tried very hard to do my part in building this foundation. I gave Darren my love, respect, and trust. I was by his side through many challenging periods with his health, education, and career. I supported his dreams and goals and tried my best to understand and accept his views and opinions that were different from mine. I stood by him during his conflicts with my family (though he disagrees), his co-workers, and our friends. I gave Darren space when he needed it and all the time he wanted for rest, exercise, and hobbies. I treated him very well, doing everything I imagined a good wife should do for her husband. I thought that by doing all of this for Darren, he’d show me love, respect, and appreciation in return. But it wasn't enough.

Something big was missing in this picture. Me. I did everything I could for Darren without asking for anything in return. I didn't assert my needs. I didn't stand for my values. Instead, I let Darren shape our relationship and set the path for our future. I put my own needs aside in order to support his needs, believing that’s what love is supposed to look like. Darren didn't return the love, respect, or appreciation I so very much desired. Deep within me, the hurt was building up. But on the surface, I didn't feel deserving of his love because Darren had repeatedly pointed out the areas where I needed improvement. I had tried many times over the years to become a person who takes initiative, is assertive, disciplined, and in top physical shape. In my darkest moments, I truly believed I was a very flawed person and I wasn't deserving of his love.

Why did we behave this way?

I can see now how our individual pasts played a role in our relationship together. Darren had a difficult upbringing that shaped him into a very self-reliant and assertive person. He didn’t form close bonds or learn compassion for others. But he certainly learned to survive without relying on others. He even struggled through a debilitating illness to earn a university degree and make ends meet, with no one to help him through it. I admired him for being a survivor and looked up to him for his focus, discipline, and independent thinking. There is a great deal about his past that explains a lot to me about his behaviour as an adult, particularly when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Meanwhile, I was raised by two parents who worked very hard to provide a good, stable life for my brothers and me. I felt loved by my parents but I also was very insecure. I struggled with my weight and I was extremely shy. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. I eventually learned to become a chameleon and a people-pleaser; I customized my personality based on the views and interests of the people around me in order to gain their acceptance. While I eventually outgrew my shyness and became more confident as an adult, the underlying need to please remained. By focusing so much on other people’s needs, I never focused on my own needs. I had no identity, no sense of self.

One thing I did know is that I never wanted to be the nagging wife. From what I observed growing up, nagging wives pushed their husbands away. Men would seem more interested in watching TV alone or spending time with their buddies than being with their wives and children. I knew I didn't want that type of relationship, but I also didn't know how to effectively communicate my needs without being seen as nagging. I realize now that I couldn't differentiate between nagging and asserting needs – it seemed one and the same. I thought that meeting Darren’s every want and need would earn me his love and appreciation, and he would simply reciprocate. It did the opposite. Darren grew frustrated and resentful from my passive nature and these feelings translated into daily doses of criticism, snapping, and long periods of physical and emotional withdrawal.

How it all started

Even before I met Darren, I had never fully understood what I wanted in a relationship. I didn't know what was important to me to be happy. I just assumed two people who fell in love would make it work. I had come from a relationship in which my ex-boyfriend treated me very well, but he was very sensitive and continually seeking MY approval. I wasn't comfortable in the position of power, and ironically, I didn't respect him for not being “manly” enough. Unlike me, he wasn't driven to succeed in his career and he paid no attention to his unhealthy diet and lifestyle. I was very focused on education and continual learning, but he wasn't. I wanted to experience new places and make new friends but he was content with life as it was. He was a very nice man and my parents liked him a lot, but I knew we had no future together. It took me three years (nearly the entire relationship) to gather the courage to break up with him.

A few months later, I met Darren. He was a man who had all of the qualities that my ex-boyfriend didn't. Darren was driven to learn and succeed. He was a competitive athlete and very health-focused. We had some things in common: we were both mature students at university, we both studied commerce, we had both lived abroad, and we both wanted to move to a bigger city. Unlike me, he was very decisive and not afraid to stand up for himself. I admired his strength to be his own person and I thought he could teach me to be the same. But what I didn't pay attention to were qualities that I’d later realize were very important to me but were missing: compassion, family values, a history of close friendships/relationships, and a respect for rules and authority. I became increasingly unsettled with this and negativity was building inside me, but I was too afraid to voice my feelings. So I pushed those feelings aside and focused on all of Darren’s positive qualities instead.

The beginning of the end

Six years into our rocky relationship, just after I became pregnant with our second daughter, things took a nosedive. At the time, I didn't understand what was happening or what I could have done to deserve what would become months of emotional and physical withdrawal. I was lost and miserable. My coping mechanism was to put on a happy face, focus on the good in our situation, and direct my love and attention to my toddler and our baby growing in my belly. I walked on eggshells around Darren and we coexisted in near silence for the majority of my pregnancy. At some point, I broke down and threatened to leave, but then Darren agreed to counselling.

It was during one of our first sessions that I was encouraged to reach out to my support network. I had only shared the positive stories of my relationship with family and friends, intent to convince the world around me (and myself) that I was happy and had a good life. It took a great deal of courage, but I did reach out. I shared my story with a close friend and a co-worker. And for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel judged or criticized. I felt like I could talk and someone was finally listening. More importantly, my thoughts and opinions had value and weren't immediately criticized. A huge weight was lifted off of me and I felt understood and loved (and even sane!) by people who I knew were pro-relationship yet still had my best interests in mind. My friends filled my need for an emotional connection, something for which I yearned from Darren.

This was the launching pad for a major period of growth for me. I slowly began to realize my worth and see that the source of the problems in our relationship wasn't just me. I could look in the mirror again and see my beauty, not just my flaws. Outside of my relationship, I began to blossom. I was a confident mother, I had lots of friends, and I was excelling in my career. But in the confines of my relationship with Darren, the changes were much smaller. I felt stuck, immobile, and unable to break out of the role of a submissive spouse without a voice in the relationship. It took awhile, but I gradually started to see Darren differently. He was no longer my superior. I saw a man with many unresolved issues from his past who was struggling to find his own sense of happiness. I realized he was just as broken and insecure as me. As this understanding increased my desire to please him and be with him diminished. How could I be with a man who didn't value what I brought to the table? And one day, I just snapped. It was a true awakening.

The aftermath

In the months since we have broken up, Darren has changed incredibly. Our separation has impacted him like nothing I could have ever imagined. He hit rock bottom. Shortly after he moved into a new home, he lost his job and a close relative passed away. Everything in his life was falling apart. For awhile, I was extremely worried about his well-being. And I struggled with feelings of extreme guilt and sadness, knowing the man with whom I share two children was simply lost. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to return to him.

Thankfully, he decided to face the situation and rebuild rather than recoil. He is attending counselling and has taken up reading as much as he can on relationships. He is embracing his role as a father. Sadly, it took our break-up for him to acknowledge his behaviour in our relationship. We have finally addressed our past issues and learned a great deal about each other in the process. As he says, we reached a much-needed breaking point. He remains adamant that we can still have a happy life and raise our family together.  

Had we had a stronger foundation – a place of genuine happiness to work our way back to – I think it’s possible we could have worked through these issues and found happiness together again. But by this point in time, my perspective on our relationship has changed. I realized that despite all the things we did together over the years, I was never truly happy or secure in our relationship. I didn't love or respect myself so I could never truly love Darren. I think the same could be said for him.

When I finally did make the decision to end our relationship, an incredible weight lifted from me. For weeks afterward, I was hyper-aware, experiencing the world around me as though it was brand new. I let myself loose, doing simple things each day that I felt I couldn't do in my relationship. I became more present with my children, cherishing our time spent together. I let myself laugh again at silly jokes and cry whenever I felt sad. I made decisions without fear of judgment. I noticed men looking at me and reveled in the positive attention. I was allowing myself to be ME for the first time in years and my confidence was returning by leaps and bounds.

Hope for the future

Despite that, I can’t say that I am actually HAPPY yet. As time passes, I am still struggling with feelings of guilt and uncertainty. I hate to think of my children feeling like packages, being shipped back and fourth between two parents and two homes. The thought of missing big moments in their lives makes me feel so sad, especially because I have been with them nearly every day since they were born. Darren is also convinced that he’s a changed man and that he knows exactly what we need to build a happy life together. He is so confident of this, that he refuses to accept the end of our relationship. He wants nothing more than for us to be together again so we can raise our children to the best possible standard. This promise of a good life and a happy family being dangled before me has certainly tempted me from time-to-time, but when I think specifically about what a relationship with Darren could look like, I can’t bring myself to return. The conflicting feelings are almost enough to drive me insane.

It has been nearly six months and we have barely scratched the surface on all of the decisions that will need to be made surrounding finances and our children. I have a lot of fears around how I’ll be able to survive financially while still being able to provide the quality of life I want for my children. I also worry about how Darren and I will manage together as co-parents and whether or not we will stabilize and be peaceful. I wish I could work through all of this now so I can move on with living life, but I know the reality is that this could take a year – or years – to get all sorted out. I’m trying to keep the fear of the unknown at bay so I can focus on the things I can control. But it isn't easy. The ride will be very bumpy but I know things will eventually settle and we will find our peace. Regardless of what happens, I know my girls will grow up with a loving, confident, and happy mother. I just hope they’ll be happy, too.