It has been a few weeks now with very limited contact from
Darren. I had asked for this break and he agreed – a big surprise, given his
persistence over the past six months. I think (hope) Darren is coming to terms
with the reality of our separation and is now using this time to focus on
rebuilding his life, just as I am trying to do.
But this feels like the calm before the storm. There is
still a lot to sort out between us. There is still a lot that’s in limbo. Major
decisions regarding our children won’t be made until Darren starts working
again. Given his line of work, he could be doing anything from a nine-to-five
job, to a shift job out of town, to a combination of office and field work.
This will greatly impact the type of child custody arrangement we will have for
the long-run. It will also impact child support, an issue I expect will be very
sensitive and cause some major tension between us.
I know that Darren wants to have a 50/50 custody
arrangement. I have mixed feelings about this, at least in the short-run. On
one hand, I feel so strongly about my children having a close relationship with
their father. The more time they spend with him, the better for them. On the
other hand, I feel they are so young right now – just a preschooler and a
toddler – and they've only known the life of being with me every day and every
night. They’re not even in school yet. It’s a lot for them to go back and
fourth between two homes at such a young age. For the next few years, I’d
prefer to continue to have majority custody. Darren tells me that this custody problem
is the result of my decision, that our children will pay the price. It’s
because of me that they have to live in two homes now. But I am letting go of
the guilt he has been dishing out on me.
Right now, we have settled into a routine where the girls
are with Darren from Friday morning until Sunday evening. Two nights and nearly
three days away from me. It’s hard, but I think I would be devastated to go a
full week at a time without seeing my girls, so this arrangement is a relatively
good deal. And there are some definite benefits, things I have hardly
experienced in nearly four years. For one, I get two nights of uninterrupted
sleep. I have joined a gym and am regularly getting exercise again. I am also
enjoying the occasional night out with girlfriends. On top of that, I have time
to study to maintain my professional certification as well as prepare for my move.
Although my life now has been compartmentalized into days with my children and
days without them, I am finally getting a taste of balance again.
But there are some disadvantages too, perhaps a glimpse into
what the long-term challenges of co-parenting could look like for us. Birthday
parties, sports events, and other opportunities for the girls are popping up on
the weekends and as it stands now, they could be missing out on a lot of those things
because I won’t be with them. We haven’t sorted out how we’ll handle these
events, but for now, we’re taking it week by week, making individual decisions
about the girls as we have them. I hate not knowing what my girls are doing,
where they’re going, or how they’re feeling. All I can do is trust that Darren
is doing the best job he can to make them feel loved and happy. Fortunately, I
believe he is.
